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Previously, on The Last Man on Earth...
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If I'm so bad, then why do
you want to live with me?
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Because I'm your wife!
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I wish I could have a do-over.
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My God!
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You're all alone out here?
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Yes.
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- Phil?
- Wait. You know Phil?
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Phil's my husband.
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Surprise!
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You guys don't understand.
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This was gonna be an awesome joke.
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I just can't believe you didn't
tell us there were other people.
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Yeah, that's, like, the one thing
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that's important in this world.
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Yeah, and all for what,
just so you can get laid?
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No. Because I had this
awesome idea for a prank.
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And I had it perfectly lined up.
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I mean, I had you guys thinking
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that I was going out camping,
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and I had you guys thinking
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these guys didn't exist.
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That's called the perfect storm.
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So, there we are, about to go
skinny-dipping...
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You were gonna go skinny-dipping?!
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As if I would ever do that.
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I-I am married to you, Carol.
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You told us Carol was dead.
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- What?! What?!
- My God!
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No, a-a different Carol.
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Carol, I was, married to
this other woman named Carol
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before the virus. You told me
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you were single.
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Yeah, I was... Before I got married
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to that, Carol.
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And, she died in that,
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tragic... snowmobiling accident.
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Sorry. I miss you.
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You're disgusting.
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Disgustingly good at pranks!
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God, you know, before I
go on, can I just say,
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this is really disrespectful to Carol.
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The other Carol. The late Carol.
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But, you know, back to this prank.
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So, you know, God, it was
gonna be such a great one,
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a-and then you guys all just ruined it.
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I feel so bad for you... You missed out
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on this wonderful thing.
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I mean, see, I was gonna...
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I was gonna...
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What...
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what was gonna happen was,
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when we got out to those hot springs,
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I was gonna say, "Hey, wait...
I need my bathing suit."
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Then I was gonna lead you
back to our cul-de-sac,
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introduce you to all these people
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who mean the most to me in the world.
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'Cause you do... Have I
ever told you guys that?
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I wish I told you more.
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- Yeah.
- Phil...
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Stop talking.
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No! No, wait!
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Because it feels to me
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like you guys still think
this wasn't a prank.
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And that's...
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that's not acceptable.
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That's where I draw the line.
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Still think he's a good guy?
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Todd, come on, bud.
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There's got to be some explanation here!
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I-I mean, there is an explanation.
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The... you know, that, prank thing.
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Way to go, Phil.
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He actually really liked you.
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I don't know why, but he did.
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You guys can follow us to the cul-de-sac...
that's where we live.
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Because we exist!
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I...
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It was prank.
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Carol...
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wait...
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What, you're just gonna leave me here?
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Wha...?
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What...?
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- Synced and Corrected by peterbrito -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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♪ ♪
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♪ ♪
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This is amazing.
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I can't believe you guys have a cow!
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And Gail's a chef,
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so this is, like... Hon, the
things I can make with this.
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My mind is literally spinning.
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Creme brulee,
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dulce de leche...
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Good morning.
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I just came here to get some... java...
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little milk.
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These guys give you the tour?
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Show you around?
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I'll take that as a yes or no.
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Hey... anybody seen Carol anywhere?
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How long am I gonna be
in the doghouse here?
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It was a prank.
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Okay. I get it.
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You're giving me the silent treatment.
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Very mature.
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Well, guess what? I can silent treatment
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with the best of 'em?
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You want to do this? Let's go.
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Boom! Silent treatment!
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It was a prank.
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Carol?
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Carol?
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- Carol.
- What?
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There you are.
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Hey, I really need to talk to you.
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Fine.
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Let's talk.
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I'm not quite... understanding
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what you're... what you're doing there.
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Isn't that how ghosts talk?
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Carol...
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Well, I'm dead, right?
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Isn't that what you told them?
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Can I please explain?
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I think it's
pretty cut-and-dry, Phil.
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You told me you were going camping,
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and then you went out
skinny-dipping with two hussies.
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But I didn't do anything!
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Bologna on rye, Phil!
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No! Truth meat on honesty bread!
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You are nothing but a sewer
rat, you dumb donkey.
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Just cattin' around
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like the cock of the walk.
Well, guess what, you skunk?
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You just sprayed the wrong dog.
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Now, get out.
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Carol, this is my house.
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Skunks don't live in houses.
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And this one's haunted, anyways.
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Get out!
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Thanks for letting me stay here, guys.
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It's nice to feel welcome somewhere.
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And don't worry, I won't be here long.
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This is temporary.
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They're gonna come looking for me.
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You know, this'll be good.
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You know, this is a nice change of pace.
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I could use a break from people.
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Yeah, with all their, "Phil, do this,
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do that, you're a jerk...."
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No, this is good, this is nice.
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Solitude, loneliness, friends.
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And this pool table makes a fine bed. Yeah.
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You know, it's firm, no give...
Which is great for the back.
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Yeah.
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Beds are overrated.
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Don't miss beds.
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Knock, knock...
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- Carol?
- Knock, knock.
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Did you hear us knocking?
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Well, we just wanted to drop by
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with this pecan pie
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and say we hope that
there's no hard feelings.
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Why would there be any hard feelings?
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All you did was make a series
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of quick, slut-based decisions
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about sharing your body
with a man you hardly knew.
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Carol, you know we would
never have done that stuff
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if we'd known Phil was married.
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Of course.
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I don't hold it against you.
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You had no idea.
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And you're not even from here.
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In this country, we tend
to do a bit of research
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before inviting a man
into the land down under.
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Carol, I can see that you're
hurting really badly,
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and I'm hoping that we just...
move past all this.
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But in the meantime,
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we're just gonna leave this pie right here.
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I can't eat that pie.
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Are you... are you allergic to pecans?
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No.
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I just don't enjoy hussy pie.
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You understand.
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I don't, but we'll be taking off now.
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Yeah.
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Okay, Gary, what's your poison?
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Tequila sunrise? Okay.
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That's a fun choice.
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Let me try that again.
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Just grab another bottle, like so.
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Try that.
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Cruise makes it look so easy, you know?
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That hurt. That really hurt.
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They must have CGI'd those bottles, right?
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Yeah, I'm gonna have all these tricks down
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by the time they come looking for me.
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It's gonna be a fun surprise for them.
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Okay, here we go. Okay.
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Whoa!
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I got it!
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Hey, Carol.
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- Can we come in?
- Absolutely.
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Come in. Have a seat, you.
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Hey, I brought you some tea.
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Careful, it's really hot, okay?
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00:09:33,512 --> 00:09:35,580
So, we heard
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00:09:35,581 --> 00:09:37,882
you talked with... Gail and Erica.
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We just wanted to come over,
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and see if you're doing okay.
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I'm fine.
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Why wouldn't I be?
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- Everything's fine.
- Carol, that's...
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Sorry, I tried to warn you...
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00:09:50,162 --> 00:09:51,396
about...
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00:09:52,898 --> 00:09:54,699
That's all right, Todd.
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00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:56,368
It's okay.
218
00:09:56,369 --> 00:09:57,535
Everything's fine.
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00:09:57,536 --> 00:09:58,903
So...
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00:10:03,909 --> 00:10:05,176
Okay...
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00:10:05,177 --> 00:10:07,245
I see what you're doing over there.
222
00:10:08,214 --> 00:10:09,881
What-what are we doing?
223
00:10:09,882 --> 00:10:12,417
Sitting so far apart from each other.
224
00:10:12,418 --> 00:10:13,585
We're not... No.
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00:10:13,586 --> 00:10:15,387
I'm a strong woman, okay?
226
00:10:15,388 --> 00:10:19,224
I can handle seeing two
people being affectionate.
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00:10:19,225 --> 00:10:20,558
Please,
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00:10:20,559 --> 00:10:21,793
kiss each other.
229
00:10:21,794 --> 00:10:23,561
For me. I can take it.
230
00:10:23,562 --> 00:10:25,163
We're just kind of hanging out right now,
231
00:10:25,164 --> 00:10:26,931
- you know what I mean?
- Carol, this is uncomfortable.
232
00:10:26,932 --> 00:10:28,500
You know what's uncomfortable
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00:10:28,501 --> 00:10:30,935
is this pity party you're throwing me.
234
00:10:30,936 --> 00:10:32,437
Okay?
235
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Go ahead, kiss. Come on.
236
00:10:34,340 --> 00:10:37,309
Kiss. For me, please.
237
00:10:37,310 --> 00:10:40,211
Come on, you can do better than that.
238
00:10:40,212 --> 00:10:41,212
Get into it!
239
00:10:41,213 --> 00:10:42,781
Come on, kiss like you used to!
240
00:10:44,417 --> 00:10:46,384
That was so fake!
241
00:10:46,385 --> 00:10:48,119
Kiss! Come on!
242
00:10:49,488 --> 00:10:50,488
Okay, that's enough, Todd.
243
00:10:50,489 --> 00:10:51,923
- Yes, copy that.
- This is...
244
00:10:51,924 --> 00:10:53,558
- I just... Whoo!
- This is weird.
245
00:10:53,559 --> 00:10:56,061
- Very.
- Carol, what is going on with you?
246
00:10:56,062 --> 00:10:57,495
It's called being just fine, Melissa.
247
00:10:57,496 --> 00:10:58,930
Maybe you should try it some time.
248
00:10:58,931 --> 00:11:00,098
- Carol...
- Now, if you don't mind,
249
00:11:00,099 --> 00:11:02,267
I'd like to be alone. Thank you.
250
00:11:02,268 --> 00:11:04,636
Yeah, okay.
251
00:11:05,671 --> 00:11:07,472
Okay, well, just let us know
252
00:11:07,473 --> 00:11:08,740
if you need anything.
253
00:11:11,077 --> 00:11:13,979
They're not coming.
254
00:11:13,980 --> 00:11:17,282
They don't care where I am
255
00:11:17,283 --> 00:11:20,051
'cause they don't like me.
256
00:11:20,052 --> 00:11:23,822
Which is really sad
'cause I want to go back!
257
00:11:23,823 --> 00:11:27,058
I don't want to live at this stupid bar...
258
00:11:27,059 --> 00:11:30,528
a pool table for a bed.
259
00:11:30,529 --> 00:11:33,365
I was wrong.
260
00:11:33,366 --> 00:11:36,568
Beds are underrated.
261
00:11:36,569 --> 00:11:39,671
And people are underrated. God.
262
00:11:39,672 --> 00:11:41,172
But they don't like me.
263
00:11:41,173 --> 00:11:43,775
They're not gonna talk to me.
264
00:11:45,444 --> 00:11:47,412
I get it, I blew it.
265
00:11:47,413 --> 00:11:49,981
I really beefed it.
266
00:11:49,982 --> 00:11:51,750
I asked for a do-over
267
00:11:51,751 --> 00:11:54,452
and instead I got a do-do-over.
268
00:11:54,453 --> 00:11:57,389
Boom, I still got it.
269
00:11:57,390 --> 00:12:00,559
I'm persona non grata.
270
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:02,761
Iced out.
271
00:12:02,762 --> 00:12:05,864
No one wants to have anything to do
272
00:12:05,865 --> 00:12:08,867
with old Phil Miller.
273
00:12:08,868 --> 00:12:13,171
But I mean, I am who I am.
274
00:12:13,172 --> 00:12:17,943
I can't just magically
change into another person.
275
00:12:26,586 --> 00:12:28,954
Hi.
276
00:12:28,955 --> 00:12:30,422
The name's Mike Miller.
277
00:12:30,423 --> 00:12:32,257
I'm looking for my twin brother, Phil.
278
00:12:32,258 --> 00:12:33,491
My God, people.
279
00:12:33,492 --> 00:12:36,228
It's been so long. God!
280
00:12:36,229 --> 00:12:38,363
Damn it.
281
00:12:38,364 --> 00:12:40,031
How did that not work?
282
00:12:42,420 --> 00:12:43,478
♪
283
00:12:43,479 --> 00:12:44,712
Ooh!
284
00:12:45,313 --> 00:12:46,913
- Hey.
- Good shot.
285
00:12:46,914 --> 00:12:49,850
I just can't believe he put on a costume.
286
00:12:49,851 --> 00:12:52,185
That's what you can't believe?
287
00:12:52,186 --> 00:12:53,553
I can't believe he thought we would believe
288
00:12:53,554 --> 00:12:54,888
he was his own brother.
289
00:12:54,889 --> 00:12:56,690
What did Carol say?
290
00:12:56,691 --> 00:12:59,192
She just slammed the
door right in his face.
291
00:12:59,193 --> 00:13:00,560
Good for her, poor thing.
292
00:13:00,561 --> 00:13:02,696
I mean, that man is a
little tossed in the head.
293
00:13:02,697 --> 00:13:04,731
- Yeah, a little.
- Yeah.
294
00:13:04,732 --> 00:13:06,433
He's also a pathological liar.
295
00:13:06,434 --> 00:13:08,135
What a wanker.
296
00:13:08,136 --> 00:13:10,470
We really dodged a bullet with that guy.
297
00:13:10,471 --> 00:13:13,607
Good-bye and good
riddance, Phil Cormaneau.
298
00:13:13,608 --> 00:13:15,342
Cormaneau?
299
00:13:15,343 --> 00:13:16,543
His last name's Miller.
300
00:13:16,544 --> 00:13:19,780
He lied about that, too? Why?
301
00:13:19,781 --> 00:13:21,581
- Why not?
- What a liar.
302
00:13:21,582 --> 00:13:23,083
- I can't believe he just lied.
- What a liar.
303
00:13:23,084 --> 00:13:24,484
Take is easy.
304
00:13:24,485 --> 00:13:26,787
Okay, I'm just so disappointed...
305
00:13:26,788 --> 00:13:30,824
I do not feel great right now.
306
00:13:30,825 --> 00:13:33,393
They don't miss me at all.
307
00:13:33,394 --> 00:13:35,195
Why are they so mad?
308
00:13:35,196 --> 00:13:38,098
Why won't they give me the
benefit of the doubt?
309
00:13:38,099 --> 00:13:40,434
They think I'm just some liar.
310
00:13:40,435 --> 00:13:42,569
I am not a liar.
311
00:13:42,570 --> 00:13:45,739
I mean, what have I ever done
that would make them think that?
312
00:13:48,443 --> 00:13:50,243
- It was a prank.
- I found the cow!
313
00:13:50,244 --> 00:13:51,278
I got the rings.
314
00:13:51,279 --> 00:13:53,080
I'm a pretty major tennis guy.
315
00:13:53,081 --> 00:13:55,115
- Are you attracted to Melissa?
- No.
316
00:13:55,116 --> 00:13:56,616
- Are you lactose intolerant?
- Yes.
317
00:13:56,617 --> 00:13:58,552
- I can fix a friggin' door.
- Committed to this marriage.
318
00:13:58,553 --> 00:13:59,986
I've been very busy, Carol.
319
00:13:59,987 --> 00:14:01,388
- You're all alone out here?
- Yes.
320
00:14:01,389 --> 00:14:02,389
Must've been a raccoon.
321
00:14:02,390 --> 00:14:03,490
I used to have a VW Bug.
322
00:14:03,491 --> 00:14:04,925
- I have diarrhea...
- Big Shankhead here...
323
00:14:04,926 --> 00:14:06,326
- Cormaneau...
- I'm a nice person...
324
00:14:06,327 --> 00:14:07,994
- The name's Mike Miller...
- Balls are clean...
325
00:14:09,263 --> 00:14:11,164
I am a liar.
326
00:14:16,671 --> 00:14:17,738
Look who it is,
327
00:14:17,739 --> 00:14:18,972
everybody.
328
00:14:18,973 --> 00:14:20,107
Mike Miller.
329
00:14:20,108 --> 00:14:21,742
Or is it Mike Cormaneau?
330
00:14:23,077 --> 00:14:24,344
Can I talk to you guys?
331
00:14:24,345 --> 00:14:25,379
No.
332
00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:27,481
I'm not leaving until I say my piece.
333
00:14:27,482 --> 00:14:29,583
Fine, stay here. We'll just ignore you.
334
00:14:29,584 --> 00:14:31,084
You know what, anybody want a refill?
335
00:14:31,085 --> 00:14:32,586
I do.
336
00:14:32,587 --> 00:14:33,920
- Great.
- Thank you very much.
337
00:14:33,921 --> 00:14:36,590
Don't mind me. I'll just
be here, doing this...
338
00:14:43,531 --> 00:14:45,532
I'll just keep screaming
until you talk to me.
339
00:14:49,704 --> 00:14:51,471
Phil.
340
00:14:51,472 --> 00:14:52,906
Can't you get it through your little perm?
341
00:14:52,907 --> 00:14:54,174
We don't want to talk to you.
342
00:14:54,175 --> 00:14:58,912
No, Melissa, let's just over
with which to get this.
343
00:15:00,948 --> 00:15:03,116
Are you guys ready for a bombshell?
344
00:15:04,552 --> 00:15:07,821
When I was gonna go skinny-dipping
with Gail and Erica...
345
00:15:07,822 --> 00:15:09,589
that wasn't a prank.
346
00:15:11,292 --> 00:15:14,161
That was a very real effort
to swim naked with women.
347
00:15:16,864 --> 00:15:18,365
Moving on. Melissa.
348
00:15:19,867 --> 00:15:21,768
I did not want to have sex with you
349
00:15:21,769 --> 00:15:24,004
solely for the purpose of repopulation.
350
00:15:25,206 --> 00:15:26,807
I wanted to have sex with you
351
00:15:26,808 --> 00:15:28,675
because you're a friggin' smokeshow.
352
00:15:31,145 --> 00:15:33,213
Todd...
353
00:15:33,214 --> 00:15:35,549
I did not co-write "Fields of Gold."
354
00:15:35,550 --> 00:15:38,618
The only person who wrote
that song was Sting.
355
00:15:40,088 --> 00:15:42,656
And finally, Carol.
356
00:15:44,993 --> 00:15:47,294
I can't even begin to count the ways
357
00:15:47,295 --> 00:15:49,129
that I've been dishonest with you.
358
00:15:49,130 --> 00:15:51,832
But let me start with this:
359
00:15:51,833 --> 00:15:54,334
We should have never gotten married.
360
00:15:56,437 --> 00:15:58,572
When I said "I do,"
361
00:15:58,573 --> 00:16:00,107
it was a lie,
362
00:16:00,108 --> 00:16:01,675
'cause I didn't.
363
00:16:05,046 --> 00:16:07,114
And I know I've hurt you...
364
00:16:07,115 --> 00:16:09,483
and I'm really, really sorry.
365
00:16:11,786 --> 00:16:14,121
Look, I don't expect this to change the way
366
00:16:14,122 --> 00:16:16,290
that any of you guys feel about me,
367
00:16:16,291 --> 00:16:20,460
but I'd rather be an honest
person with no friends
368
00:16:20,461 --> 00:16:23,897
than live one more day as a liar, so...
369
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,534
Smell ya never.
370
00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:31,772
Excuse me.
371
00:16:39,781 --> 00:16:42,883
I knew he didn't write "Fields of Gold."
372
00:17:00,044 --> 00:17:01,711
So I, you know,
373
00:17:01,712 --> 00:17:04,514
I said my piece and...
374
00:17:04,515 --> 00:17:07,150
did not get a lot of traction there,
375
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:08,818
but, I feel good.
376
00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:11,554
I-I feel... I did the right thing.
377
00:17:11,555 --> 00:17:13,523
I mean, it's-it's what I had to do.
378
00:17:13,524 --> 00:17:15,792
- Um...
- Phil?
379
00:17:17,395 --> 00:17:20,797
Phil, are you talking to balls
with faces drawn on them?
380
00:17:20,798 --> 00:17:23,733
Y-Yes.
381
00:17:23,734 --> 00:17:25,168
I am.
382
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,337
Okay.
383
00:17:27,338 --> 00:17:30,974
Well, I guess they can hear this, too.
384
00:17:30,975 --> 00:17:33,109
I have a few things to say.
385
00:17:33,110 --> 00:17:35,845
If you have any questions,
comments or applause,
386
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:37,247
just save it until I'm done.
387
00:17:38,282 --> 00:17:39,949
I don't think applause will apply,
388
00:17:39,950 --> 00:17:42,419
but just hold it till the end.
389
00:17:42,420 --> 00:17:45,188
- Okay.
- Phil, what did I just ask?
390
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:46,790
- Sorry.
- Phil!
391
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,835
Phil, what do you think about this quilt?
392
00:18:03,307 --> 00:18:05,041
'Cause you know what I think?
393
00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:07,744
I think it's U-G-L-Y,
394
00:18:07,745 --> 00:18:09,879
this quilt ain't got no alibi.
395
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,147
It's ugly.
396
00:18:12,483 --> 00:18:14,217
It's ugly.
397
00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:15,952
Do you see where I'm going with this?
398
00:18:17,622 --> 00:18:19,189
You can talk.
399
00:18:19,190 --> 00:18:22,292
Respectfully, I-I have no clue.
400
00:18:22,293 --> 00:18:25,795
Phil, sometimes, in quilting,
401
00:18:25,796 --> 00:18:28,698
you just don't have the right scraps.
402
00:18:28,699 --> 00:18:32,235
And no matter how much effort you put in,
403
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,571
you make a quilt that looks like this.
404
00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:35,911
I will agree that it's ugly.
405
00:18:35,912 --> 00:18:38,975
And you worked so hard on it
406
00:18:38,976 --> 00:18:41,845
and you trick yourself into
thinking it's beautiful
407
00:18:41,846 --> 00:18:45,982
and you display it proudly in
the entryway on you divan.
408
00:18:47,685 --> 00:18:50,153
And then your friend Barbara
comes over a few days later,
409
00:18:50,154 --> 00:18:52,255
and she tells you that she thinks it's best
410
00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:54,891
if you fold it up and put it in the closet.
411
00:18:54,892 --> 00:18:57,060
You see what I'm saying now?
412
00:18:57,061 --> 00:19:01,565
Barbara's a pretty mean person
and tells it like it is and...
413
00:19:02,066 --> 00:19:03,900
Right? Yes?
414
00:19:05,136 --> 00:19:08,171
I think it's time we put
this quilt in the closet.
415
00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:15,378
So, here.
416
00:19:20,651 --> 00:19:22,886
Divorce papers?
417
00:19:22,887 --> 00:19:25,322
They're official, I'm a notary.
418
00:19:25,323 --> 00:19:27,390
Are you sure about this?
419
00:19:27,391 --> 00:19:29,259
Yeah, Phil.
420
00:19:29,260 --> 00:19:33,396
You're better off without me.
I'm better off without you.
421
00:19:33,397 --> 00:19:36,933
I just want you to be happy.
422
00:19:36,934 --> 00:19:41,271
Well, I just want you to be happy.
423
00:19:41,272 --> 00:19:42,772
Then sign.
424
00:19:47,912 --> 00:19:50,180
There.
425
00:19:50,181 --> 00:19:51,381
And there.
426
00:19:54,285 --> 00:19:56,286
And... ooh, Social Security, right there.
427
00:19:56,287 --> 00:19:58,288
This is fun to notarize again.
428
00:19:58,289 --> 00:20:02,025
Man, once
you break the seal...
429
00:20:02,026 --> 00:20:03,860
It's a notary joke.
430
00:20:03,861 --> 00:20:05,362
I wish Glen were here.
431
00:20:05,363 --> 00:20:06,963
He would've gotten a kick out of that one.
432
00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:11,935
It's official.
433
00:20:11,936 --> 00:20:15,105
It's official.
434
00:20:15,106 --> 00:20:16,473
Friends?
435
00:20:17,508 --> 00:20:19,709
Friends.
436
00:20:19,710 --> 00:20:22,512
Get in here.
437
00:20:43,634 --> 00:20:46,269
Well, see you back at the cul-de-sac.
438
00:20:46,270 --> 00:20:48,171
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
439
00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:58,582
So, that's my ex-wife.
440
00:20:58,583 --> 00:21:02,586
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